Grief
Common Responses
Experiences That Could Result in Grief
Frequently Asked Questions
How to Help
Stages of Grief
Statements to Avoid
What is Grief?

Grief
Common Responses Peer supporters will discover that there may be several types of responses when it comes to grief. While grief is a normal response to a significant loss, everyone reacts differently. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience grief. One person’s intensity may be different than another person’s. Grief can be experienced with mental, physical, and/or behavioral reactions. Some mental reactions may be:
• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Sadness
• Despair
• Fear
• Responsibility
• Guilt
• Depression
• Frustration
• Intolerance
• Loss of memory Some physical reactions may include:
• Sleep problems
• Changes in appetite
• Muscle tension
• Headaches
• Rapid heartbeat
• Stomach problems
Some behavioral reactions can include:
• Withdrawal
• Angry outbursts
• Excessive crying
• Non-directed anger

Grief
Common Responses Peer supporters will discover that there may be several types of responses when it comes to grief. While grief is a normal response to a significant loss, everyone reacts differently. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience grief. One person’s intensity may be different than another person’s. Grief can be experienced with mental, physical, and/or behavioral reactions. Some mental reactions may be:
• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Sadness
• Despair
• Fear
• Responsibility
• Guilt
• Depression
• Frustration
• Intolerance
• Loss of memory Some physical reactions may include:
• Sleep problems
• Changes in appetite
• Muscle tension
• Headaches
• Rapid heartbeat
• Stomach problems
Some behavioral reactions can include:
• Withdrawal
• Angry outbursts
• Excessive crying
• Non-directed anger

Grief
Experiences That Could Result in Griet
For many peer supporters, the first situation that comes to mind that can cause grief is the death of a loved one; however, there are many situations in a person’s life that can cause him/her to grieve. The following is a list of those situations; some may surprise you:
• Death of a loved one
• Divorce
• Moving
• Death of a pet
• Starting school
• Marriage
• Graduation
• Serious illness of a loved one
• Death of a former partner
• End of addictions
• Retirement
• Major health changes
• Loss of a limb
• Financial changes – positive or negative
• Holidays
• Legal problems
• Empty nest syndrome (children moving away from home)
• Vicarious traumatization (e.g., hearing of a critical incident and second-hand exposure)
Remember not to pass judgement and allow the person to go through the grieving stages at his/her own pace.

Experiences That Could Result in Grief
For many peer supporters, the first situation that comes to mind that can cause grief is the death of a loved one; however, there are many situations in a person’s life that can cause him/her to grieve. The following is a list of those situations; some may surprise you:
• Death of a loved one
• Divorce
• Moving
• Death of a pet
• Starting school
• Marriage
• Graduation
• Serious illness of a loved one
• Death of a former partner
• End of addictions
• Retirement
• Major health changes
• Loss of a limb
• Financial changes – positive or negative
• Holidays
• Legal problems
• Empty nest syndrome (children moving away from home)
• Vicarious traumatization (e.g., hearing of a critical incident and second-hand exposure)
Remember not to pass judgement and allow the person to go through the grieving stages at his/her own pace.

Grief
Frequently Asked Questions How long will the grieving process last? The grieving process is unique to each individual. Initially grief can be intense. The intensity is related to the degree of attachment to the person lost and the type of relationship. Grief does not have a timetable. The most important piece is that you give yourself a chance to grieve. What should they tell their children? Peer support must encourage persons to be honest with their children. Answering their questions with honest, short, age-appropriate responses will help to establish a sense of trust between the parents and their children.
Why do they feel anger and what can they do about it? It is not unusual to feel anger when a person experiences a huge loss. Tell him/her the anger will subside through positive coping mechanisms and the passage of time. The key is for him/her to express the anger appropriately. How do I know if they need more help? If reassurance from peer support and others have not provided the person with ongoing coping skills, where the person stays stuck in the grief process, a referral is necessary. Any continued fears or anxieties about his/her well being or thoughts of self-harm needs to be addressed by seeking professional help. Prolonged intense emotion or obsessive thoughts that impede functioning may also require more help. Does everyone grieve the same way? No, grieving is a unique process for each individual.
What if they don’t grieve? Explain that grief is different for everyone. It is important for peer support to recognize why there is a lack of grief regarding loss. Don’t assume because they are not showing signs of grief that they are not grieving alone in their safe environment. I don’t want to forget my loved one, what can I do so this won’t happen? The memory of your loved one is deeply embedded in the memory parts of your brain. It is unlikely these memories will go away. They may fade, so take time to put together a book with pictures and stories that will help jog your memory in the future. What is the best way to help someone grieve? Listening, offering support and spending time with the person; let him/her tell his/her story.
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Grief
How to Help
Peer supporters can use the skills they learned in Basic Peer Support training and can help the person know he/she is not alone. Here are some tips to help:
• Active listening (refer to Active Listening section of this app).
• Pay attention
• Paraphrase what has been said
• Don’t try to fix the problem
• Don’t tell him/her it will be OK
• Just listen to him/her
• Empathize with the individual’s viewpoint
• Display appropriate affect when listening to his/her story Making a referral to resources can help the individual move futher along in the grieving process, such as:
• Counseling
• EAP
• Chaplain
• Grief support group
• Others who have gone through a similar incident
• Public Safety Employee Support Services

Grief
Stages of Grief When a person goes through a tremendous loss, the world he/she once knew can seem to change. As a peer supporter, it is important to understand that a person must go through several stages in order to process grief. This can be best explained as the five common stages of grief, as defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote the book On Death and Dying (refer to the Recommended Reading section of this app under Resources). The following is a synopsis of the five stages of grief people may experience when dealing with a loss. A peer supporter can let the person know what he/she can expect to go through during these stages. There is hope even though it may seem impossible now.
• Denial – The reality of loss is hard to face, and one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. At this stage, the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation and begins to develop a false, preferable reality. Examples of this would be a person denying that his/her loved one has died or denying that he/she has been diagnosed with cancer.
• Anger – In this stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because losses are sudden and sometimes pointless, this anger can be intense. Since it is anger from frustration, it is often misdirected. Responses of a person experiencing this stage would be: “Why me? It’s not fair!”, “How can this happen to me?”, “Who is to blame?”; and “Why would God let this happen?”; A peer supporter should be a good listener and encourage the person to acknowledge their anger. Accepting it is normal and can be the first step for them to find non-destructive ways to express it. Examples could be hitting a pillow or screaming/yelling in a private place.
• Bargaining – This stage involves the hope that the individual can some how undo the cause of the grief and use bargaining chips to change the outcome. Someone who is going through a divorce may say he/she will change. An alcoholic will promise to never drink again if the legal problems will go away. Some even appeal to a higher power to change a terminal diagnosis if he/she vows to make a drastic change in their lives. A peer supporter should realize that bargaining rarely provides a solution.
• Depression – The grieving person begins to understand the certainty of the situation and will show signs of depression (refer to the Depression section of this app). The person may withdraw, spend time crying, and appear mentally and physically exhausted. Feeling these emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. A peer supporter can encourage him/her to take small steps to get involved in life again. Set some easy goals, such as taking short walks or plan a lunch with a friend.
• Acceptance – The pain and sadness begin to subside, and he/she starts to discover more and more “acceptance” that allows them to focus on the future. Emotional wounds begin to heal gradually. It is important for peer supporters to let the person they are helping know that this step is not forgetting they have suffered a loss. Warning: An individual who has experienced a loss can revisit stages at a later time. Grief is a process, and the stages may never be fully completed by the person experiencing the loss; however, the grief becomes managable.

Grief
Statements to Avoid There are times peer supporters may want to fix the person they are talking to by stifling their emotional reactions to a loss. This is done by saying the wrong thing. Avoid the following statements and allow the person to be in the moment with their grief.
. “Don’t feel bad.”
. “Replace the loss.” (e.g., buy new pet)
• “Grieve alone.”
• “Just give it time.”
• “Be strong for others.”
• “Keep busy.”
• “I understand exactly what you’re going through.”
• “It’s all part of a plan.”
• “Get over it.”
• “It is what it is.”
• “Don’t worry, you’ll get married again.”
• “At least you have other children.”
• “You’re young; you can have another baby.”
• “You’re the man of the house now.” . “He died doing what he loved to do.”

Grief
Statements to Avoid There are times peer supporters may want to fix the person they are talking to by stifling their emotional reactions to a loss. This is done by saying the wrong thing. Avoid the following statements and allow the person to be in the moment with their grief.
. “Don’t feel bad.”
. “Replace the loss.” (e.g., buy new pet)
• “Grieve alone.”
• “Just give it time.”
• “Be strong for others.”
• “Keep busy.”
• “I understand exactly what you’re going through.”
• “It’s all part of a plan.”
• “Get over it.”
• “It is what it is.”
• “Don’t worry, you’ll get married again.”
• “At least you have other children.”
• “You’re young; you can have another baby.”
• “You’re the man of the house now.” . “He died doing what he loved to do.”