Relationships

Relationships
Kids
Communication Skills
Frequently Asked Questions
Healing After the Affair
How to Survive
Myths about Relationships
Relationship Stressors

Relationships in and of themselves are often difficult to manage. When one or both partners serve as a public safety officer, the level of energy and difficulty to maintain a healthy relationship significantly increases. These relationships are extraordinary and require special care; therefore, it is important to weed out relationship myths and integrate healthy relationship techniques. The majority of issues that will be presented to a peer supporter will be regarding problems with the person’s relationship(s).

Kids

A peer supporter can help a peer with his/her relationship with children if he/she better understands there is a significance to being a firefighter or cop’s kid. Children have different opinions of their parent’s career at different ages:

Young Children
- – Feel proud
- – Excited about their parent’s job
Older Children
- – Struggle with authority
- – May be teased at school
- – Expect professional courtesies
- – Struggle with media portrayal of the profession
- – Majority are well adjusted

Public safety parents may tend to:

Overprotect
Want to run background checks on friends or dates (illegal!!!)
Worry about child’s appearance
- – Tattoos
- – Baggy pants
- – Hairstyles
- – Piercings

Dealing with public scrutiny:

Learn to deal in advance with intrusive or critical comments about police
Take the time to discuss high profile events in the media
Have age-appropriate conversations
Help your children separate the myths from the realities of the job
Monitor television viewing, particularly during a large-scale fire

Help them out:

Take them to the fire or police station for a visit
Buy them books or toys related to your job
Help them form a mental picture of what your duties are. This can help young children in particular to stay emotionally connected when you are away at work.
Participate in career days at school – attend in uniform

Equipment Safety: It is imperative that safety is number one in the home where children are exposed to weapons, tasers, pepper spray, handcuffs and other equipment.

Keep all equipment in a secure, child-proof safe
Take the time to explain what each piece of equipment is. Children are naturally curious and if the time is taken to show them the equipment, demonstrate its use and make them aware of the dangers, the curiosity is often satisfied.

Professional help If at anytime a parent is concerned with a child being unable to understand his/her profession or deal with the media “circus,” contact a mental health professional.

Communication Skills

Peer supporters can help individuals learn better ways to handle their disagreements. Healthy communication techniques are the key to healthy relationships. Listed below are some suggestions on how to handle disagreements:

Know when to back off
Start the conversation softly
No insults
No sarcasm
No digs
Do not criticize in public
Do not overwhelm with dumping all concerns at one time
Do not talk while multi-tasking (i.e., watching TV, eating)
Communicate in person
Be direct
Be honest
Do not lose the point
Do not dig up the past
Talk without interruptions
Do not bring up bad stuff before the person goes to work
Do not call the person at work and start an argument
Watch gridlock
Respect and allow a pause moment
Place limits on “shop talk” at home.
Do not wound each other

Warning Police Officers Paradox: The same habits that make a good cop can be hazardous to being a good mate.
Law enforcement officers need to be aware that they are rewarded for maintaining emotional distance in the performance of their duties and punished for doing so in their personal relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I communicate to my partner that his/her career is causing trouble in our relationship?

It is important to communicate concerns in the relationship. Oftentimes the other partner does not know his/her job is affecting the relationship. Bringing it to the forefront is the first step in talking about the issue.

How do I keep the romance alive?

While it is important to have individual activities, engaging in shared activities of similar interest will bring the two of you closer together. Planning date nights and couples time alone often strengthens communication between a couple.

How do I move on after my partner has been unfaithful?
Although it may be difficult to go through this situation, forgiveness is the key. While this issue looks one-sided, a lot of the progress depends on the individual who was hurt. He/she can choose to let go and commit to repairing the relationship or can say he/she wants it to work but are never able to move past the betrayal. Getting into counseling with a mental health professional who understands public safety relationships is paramount to handling the situation in a more productive way.

We argue all the time, does that mean we shouldn’t be together?

All couples have disagreements. Instead of using separation or divorce as a weapon during these times, try working on building communication in the relationship. Remember it is not the disagreement that damages the relationship, it is how you handle it that affects it the most.

My partner does not communicate his/her emotions with me. How can I get him/her to open up?

Again, communication is the key. Understand public safety personnel often stuff their emotions as a way to effectively do their job. Set aside a time where communication can be done in a safe environment. Express to your partner that you would like to increase the sharing of emotions.

Healing After the Affair

A very common problem a peer supporter may encounter is dealing with a peer who has been involved in an affair, or discovered that their partner had an affair. When an affair takes place in a marriage or committed relationship, it is almost always a devastating experience for everyone.

How common are affairs?

In 1970, a survey of Psychology Today revealed that 40% of husbands and 36% of wives reported affairs.
A 1974 Playboy magazine survey found roughly 40% of men had affairs.
A Redbook poll from 1975 revealed approximately 40% of married women had affairs.

Typical feelings

After an affair a person may experience many different feelings. Some most common are:

Faithful Partner:
- Numb
- Sadness
- My reality was never reality
- Betrayal
- Abandonment
- Disgust
- Victimization
- Anger
Unfaithful Partner:
- Confusion
- Guilt
- Ambivalence
- Anger
- Blame (self and other)
- Shame
- Fear
- Despair
- Relief

The Aftermath: Once the affair has been revealed, the question is “Now What?”.

Some questions a person may have are:

Who do we tell?
How do we deal with the issue?
What physical boundaries are needed right now?
Questions about the “details” of the affair (who, what, where, when) • What details are really necessary?
Postpone major decisions

First, Get Support! It may take a long time to figure out what led to this crisis and where to go from here. Most marriages don’t break up because of a single affair, but many may feel that the secrecy and lies are the worst part of the betrayal. Some couples tend to make the rash decision of breaking up, while others would love to avoid the conflict altogether. Many couples find that the support of family and friends is good but not sufficient. Couples in crisis need more than just a listening ear (and opinions). They will need a safe environment to work through their issues. Couples should seek counseling with their chaplain or mental health professional.

How to regain trust:

Know that trust must be earned
Acknowledge that it will take time to rebuild trust
The unfaithful partner will need to show his/her dedication
Know that trust is a choice

Seven steps to forgiveness:

Set aside a few times to come together and discuss the issue of forgiveness
Make sure you are both on the same page about what the problem is (and that you are both ready to talk)
Fully explore the pain and concerns related to the issue
The unfaithful partner needs to make an outward appeal for forgiveness, coupled with an apology (a sincere apology validates your partner’s pain).
The faithful partner acknowledges his/her intent to forgive
- “I’ve decides to work on forgiving you.”
- “I am committed to working through forgiving you.”
- “I intend to forgive you, but it will take some time for me to do that.”
The unfaithful partner makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns of attitudes.
Expect it to take time

Successful Rebuilding (The Three R’s)

Resilient:
Rebuilding a marriage/relationship after the wrecking ball of an affair is not an easy task. It takes resilience to withstand all of the emotional ups and downs, once the truth comes to light. Not everyone has the strength, stamina or goodwill to face their wrongs and hang in there with a severely wounded partner. Successful couples decide they are in it for the long haul.
Realistic:
Knowing that the innocence of the relationship is gone They understand that their partner will not come running back just because.
Respectful: Successful re-builders who wish to repair their relationship/marriage will respect the rights of their betrayed partner and choose the next move after the infidelity.

15 Essential Steps to Repair and Heal Your Relationship

Successful re-builders tell their partner the truth about the affair, rather than waiting to be discovered.
If the affair comes to light through “discovery” vs “direct disclosure”by the unfaithful partner, successful re-builders show instant shame and remorse and are not defensive.
Once the affair has been disclosed successful re-builders willingly break off all contact with the affair partner including phone calls, texting, e-mails and physical presence.
Successful re-builders allow their faithful spouse to determine if, when and how any final “closure” is conducted.
Successful re-builders have the most success in healing their marriages when they start being honest.
Successful re-builders accept full responsibility for their actions.
Successful re-builders are patient with their partner’s emotions and the time needed to recover.
They seek to understand their partner’s pain.
They are sorry for their partner’s pain rather than their own guilt.
Successful re-builders grow in their abilities to show sincere empathy and offer heartfelt apologies.
Successful re-builders are sensitive to the extreme distrust they have caused within their partner and are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust.
Successful re-builders respect the sensitivities and “triggers” of the hurt spouse.
Successful re-builders pursue their spouses and are proactive about checking in on their emotional status.
Successful re-builders recognize the impact and damage of parental affairs upon their children and seek to make amends.
Successful re-builders are committed to lifelong personal recovery and transparency.

Things that may complicate the process as a result of your role as a public safety officer

Work schedule
Bravado
“Macho” attitude
Resistance to change
Over-control
Temptation at work (citizens and peers)
Interrogating perpetrator like a criminal
Over-protectiveness
Hypervigilanc
Cynicism towards partner/world

If an affair happened with a co-worker, that further complicates the issue as you cannot control who is scheduled to work with you. Your partner may not appreciate that you are seeing this individual every day you are at work.

How to Survive

There are a variety of things that a peer supporter can recommend to a person who is having difficulties in his/her relationship. Being a first-responder may bring its own complex issues to a relationship. The following have been proven to help when a public safety relationship begins to change for the worse:

Create open communication with significant other
Learn appropriate conflict resolution skills
Regularly schedule time alone
Encourage him/her to maintain friendships with people outside of emergency service personnel
Have a positive attitude toward one’s partner
Regard the relationship as a long-term commitment and a sacred institution
Share individual and relationship goals, ambitions, and dreams
Want the relationship to succeed
Laugh together
Handle conflict quickly
Share family activities
Mentally disengage from work
Create a safe harbor for sharing disagreements and emotions
Plan and take vacations (go outside of jurisdiction)
Encourage his/her significant other to stick to plans, even if the first responder cannot go
Control technology distractions
Keep friendship at the core of the relationship
Avoid making critical generalizations about people
In an argument, do not become defensive
Do not stonewall when a conflict needs to be discussed
Try to control nagging
Do not use sarcasm when dealing with significant other
Prevent the “wounding” of each other
Create a healthy lifestyle (refer to the Wellness section of this app)
Avoid alcohol and/or substances (refer to Substance Abuse section of this app)
Avoid physical violence (refer to Domestic Violence section of this app)
Avoid a variety of addictive behaviors (i.e., gambling, shopping, food, sex)
Do not get involved in affairs
Try to eat a family dinner together at least twice a week
Invest in the relationship
Make a point to compliment your significant other
Create date nights
Create family days
Develop rituals
Instill trust
If a significant holiday is missed, celebrate on a different day
Call home if working longer than expected
Plan for emergency time enhancers when plans are changed because of call out/overtime
Pay attention to your stress level
• Work on overdue projects Access available support systems
• Go to couples’ counseling
• Reach out to family/friends
• Reach out to church/chaplain
• First-Responder Employee Support Services
• Employee Assistance Provider (EAP)
• Peer Support Team

Suggested books to read (refer to Recommended Reading in the Resource section of this app)

The Five Love Languages
I Love A Cop
I Love A Firefighter
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement
Spiritual Survival for Law Enforcement

Myths about Relationships

Lots of difficulties can arise due to myths we are taught about relationships. Myths often create unrealistic expectations that contribute to relational conflict.

Some myths that peer supporters could dispel are as follows:

Family should be the source of all happiness
Partners should be totally honest with each other
There should be no disagreements
Partners should see eye-to-eye on every issue
Rehashing the past is helpful when things are not going well in the present
In arguments, the goal is to see who can prove he/she is right
A good sexual relationship means a good relationship
Sex will take care of itself
Partners should know what the other is thinking and understand them
Positive feedback is not necessary
Good relationships happen spontaneously
Things do not change in stable relationships
Having children will rescue a failing relationship
Regardless how bad the relationship is, it should be kept together for the children
If a relationship doesn’t work, a separation will cure the situation
Doubts in the relationship are indications you are with the wrong partner
Opposites attract

Relationship Stressors

In the public safety arena, it has been proven that many stressors can affect a person’s relationships. Talking about these with a peer supporter and coming up with a solution may help the individual take care of the problem before it causes more damage. Below are potential stressors that can affect relationships:

Shift work/ long hours cannot be avoided. It is part of the public safety career. Shift work has a potential to cause a problem because of the following:

Missed birthdays
Missed family events
Missed holidays
Missed school events
Increases partner’s fear of being alone at night
Can cause nutritional problems
Can cause sleep deprivation
Can cause physical problems
Can cause health concerns

Availability of overtime

Can become dependent on overtime income
Causes relationship discord due to parental absence
Confuses family vs duty responsibilities

On-call cannot be avoided. It can be a part of the public safety officer’s assignment.

Can never be predicted; therefore, plans are hard to make
Causes physical and emotional problems
Can impact sleep patterns

Dealing with Public Scrutiny

Intrusive comments made from family or friends
Critical statements made by news media and community
Living in a fishbowl
Hyper-vigilance, which leads to being on the defense

Dealing with on-the-job injuries

Can be career ending
Light duty
Career path plans postponed
Impact on family

Always in control of emotions

Not able to show reactions to others
Not able to express anger
Forced to keep their opinions to themselves
Not able to publicly express grief

Overprotectiveness

Does not share at home
Difficulty shifting gears from home to work
Not showing fears or anxiety for family safety
Over-restricts family activities
Cannot turn off concerns and worry for family

Always hyper-vigilent

Remains vigilent to danger
Does not invest the same energy off duty as on duty

Dealing with Public Scrutiny

Intrusive comments made from family or friends
Critical statements made by news media and community
Living in a fishbowl
Hyper-vigilance, which leads to being on the defense

Dealing with on-the-job injuries

Can be career ending
Light duty
Career path plans postponed
Impact on family

Always in control of emotions

Not able to show reactions to others
Not able to express anger
Forced to keep their opinions to themselves
Not able to publicly express grief

Overprotectiveness

Does not share at home
Difficulty shifting gears from home to work
Not showing fears or anxiety for family safety
Over-restricts family activities
Cannot turn off concerns and worry for family

Always hyper-vigilent

Remains vigilent to danger
Does not invest the same energy off duty as on duty
More value is put on accomplishments at work than accomplishments at home
Becomes over-invested in work while under-invested at home
Inability to relax and feel safe
Can increase cynicism
Withdraws from family (refer to Emotional Survival in Law Enforcement book in Recommend Reading in the Resource section of this app)

Suffer from alexithymia

Inability to put feelings into words
Breaks down communication

Critical incidents (refer to the Critical Incident Stress Management section of this app)

Cause physical and emotional problems
Impact view of the world
Isolate them from family (i.e., they just don’t understand)
Impact sleep
Increase cynical views of people
Increase distrust in people
Increase the expectation that people are all bad
Potential for PTSD
Suffer from compassion fatigue

Always on Duty

Suspicious of neighbors
Suspicious of non-law enforcement friends/aquaintances
No mental break
May treat family like suspects

Suffer from alexithymia

Inability to put feelings into words
Breaks down communication

Critical incidents (refer to the Critical Incident Stress Management section of this app)

Cause physical and emotional problems
Impact view of the world
Isolate them from family (i.e., they just don’t understand)
Impact sleep
Increase cynical views of people
Increase distrust in people Increase the expectation that people are all bad
Potential for PTSD
Suffer from compassion fatigue

Always on Duty

Suspicious of neighbors
Suspicious of non-law enforcement friends/aquaintances
No mental break May
treat family like suspects

Organizational Stress

Lack of promotional opportunities
Politics
Conflict with supervisor/co-worker
High-profile events

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Relationships
Kids
Communication Skills
Frequently Asked Questions
Healing After the Affair
How to Survive
Myths about Relationships
Relationship Stressors